Opening Grande: The Simpsons attend the opening ceremony of the SMX League--Simpsons enter stadium which reaches into the clouds, is entirely covered in neon billboards. Another neon sign greets them as they enter the lobby: WELCOME TO THE SMX LEAGUE: IT'S WARTIME, PARDNER!! The Simpsons are given standard-issue green-camo'ed helmets as they go in, already the flash of mortar lights all around, echoed by the boom . . .
They are standing on the conveyer belt going in:
HOMER
Are we going to war?
MARGE
No, this is your birthday present, remember? You wanted to go to the opening ceremony of the Post-Football leage the SMX . . . remember?
BART
Yea, Dad, you've been talking about this for months--you even had it tattooed on your back, remember?
Homer turns to look at back, sees pic of him with mad grin and thumbs up within a circle and over top of circle reads: I'M GOING TO THE SMX! and underneath: YEA!
HOMER
Ooh, but I wanted to put that pirate tattoo there . . .
The conveyer belt ends and they go to their seats. The stands are covered in camouflaged netting.
"Sniper Equipment! Get your sniper equipment, here!"--goes one peripatetic vendor. Another: "War Biscuits!" . . . "Food Rations!" . . . "McBuckets!" . . .
Homer: "How are we supposed to see anything with this stupid netting? Stupid netting . . . Ooh, bombs!"
We see the announcer on the field, which looks like a battlefield, reflected in the super-huge pixel screens all around. Closeup to announcer on pixel-screen: "Hi! I'm [Troy McClure?] . . . "
Two teams move onto the set. Betting begins, crowd rushes the box, "10 bucks on Oil!", "10 bucks on Ammo!", "10 buck on Peanut Butter!" . . .
War begins: Aggghhh! . . . Arrrgghhh! . . . Oof!
Bart: "Wow! This is so cool! You can even see their eyes bulge right before they pop!"
Homer: "Yea, isn't killing fun?"
Lisa: "Errrrr! Enough! I only promised to come along on this stupid trip because it was your birthday, Dad, but I just can't take it anymore! This is so dumb! And even worse than dumb, this type of wholly irresponsible and despicable war-mongering exercise in Sports-Charlatans On Parade is--"
2 men in suits flanked by 2 armed guards appear: "Missus Simpson, please come with us. And bring your family, too."
Homer: "Doh!"
Lisa: "Why? What did I do?"
Homer, behind hand: "Lisa, whenever a man in a suit who's with another guy in a suit, who's with 2 men with guns tell you to do something, you do it."
Marge: "No, I agree with Lisa, they just can't come over here and whisk us away to who knows where with all these people looking."
All the people in the vicinity obsequiously look the other way.
Man in Suit 1 takes out device. "Fine, do it the hard way." Pushes button and their seats disappear and they all fall downwards . . . into slides. Wheee wheee whee each cry in their own respective slide-tunnel before being dumped onto five separate rubber mats. Homer: "That wasn't the hard way, that was the slide way, and I like it!"
Lisa jumps up. The walls are cavern-like. There is one door, and it is locked. "Where are we?"
Mad Scientist enters, the flip "evil" side to the present mad scientist character--perhaps identical but with green hair. "You are in the SMX REMORALIZATION CENTER! Seize them!" plus trademark sound, evil-ized . . .
What follows is a lightning-quick "remoralization" montage with the usual pilfer & twistering from the "Clockwork Orange" remoralization scene, etc. . . . American flags marching down small American towns with bulging biceps, hippies being lowered by their feet into burning oil, etc. . . . They end up placed in their living rooms by men and women in lab coats and arranged in a lifelike manner atop the couch. Beat passes before Lisa seems to snap to life and say, "What are we doing here?"
Homer snaps to, grabs for remote. "Watching tv. What else, silly girl?" He snaps tv on::
Lisa: "Hm . . . something's wrong . . . "
CUT TO: Moe's Bedroom. Nite.
Moe is sleepless, tossing to and fro . . . mumbling in his sleep, "Oh, Barbie, you're so beautiful Barbie, I've always loved you . . . what?! Who's to say what is and isn't natural!?--you, Ma!? You? Don't make me laugh . . . " Wakes up, eyes wide, bolts uprights: "What the--!!"
It's the Ghost of Jebediah Springfield, floating at the foot of his bed, staring down at him with scorn and pointing: "Moe Sizlak!"
"Jebediah Springfield!"
"That my name, don't wear it out. Anyway, the spirit of your little town's father has a job for you, Moe! Nay, a mission!"
"Well, I have a job, but I'd be happy to go on a mission! Anything for you, Jeb--"
"Save your behind-courtin' for your Barbie dreams! Moe Sizlak, a terrible plague is soon to descend upon Springfield, and you, Moe, will be this town's savior!"
MOE
Me? How?
JEBEDIAH
Let's just say, you will defend our American way the only way you know how . . . Be embiggened, Moe. Be very embiggened . . .
Ghost disappears and Moe looks mind-boggled--spike lonely saxophone wail ala B. Gums and Moe drags himself from his bed in his white nitegown and cap to the window of what looks to be a bedroom in a roughhewn shack. Goes to a stool at the window and looks out over the glitter of the city.
MOE
But how can I help you, my patriotic Lord? If only you could send me a sign . . .
At that instant across the nitetime Springfield horizon an explosion erupts into the sky.
Cut to: Nuclear Power Plant: emergency lights everywhere. Burns and Smithers are walking down a hallway shin-high in green gunk.
BURNS
How did this happen?
SMITHERS
Homer Simpson, sir. Homer Simpson.
BURNS
Hm, name sounds familiar . . . so what will we do with all this green gunk? Can we sell it?
Man runs by with hair on fire, screaming.
SMITHERS
(chuckles:) No, sir, I'm afraid the bottom fell out of the radioactive waste market back in the seventies. There is only one place in all of Springfield that could handle so much waste--the old septic tank underneath the Springfield Town Square.
BURNS
Underneath the statue of Jebediah?!
SMITHERS
That's the one, sir.
BURNS
I like it. But how we will get it there?
SMITHERS
That's the only catch, sir. We'd have to create a diversion.
Man walks by with 3 legs.
3 Legged Man
Evening, sir!
BURNS
Hmm, diversion, eh? I think I know of a way . . .
Cut to: Burns on phone in office.
BURNS
Hello? World Corporate Empire? Monty Burns here. I've heard you were looking for a place to host your next world summit . . . I think I know of the perfect locale . . .
Cut to: Simpsons in front of the tv.
KENT BROCKMAN
This just in! Springfield has been announced as the next location for the official, huuugely important meeting of the one and only World Corporate Empire! Now, how about them gilded apples!?
A medley of past American activism flashes across Lisa's eyes to the tune of mebbe something by Bob Dylan . . .
Cut to: Moe Sizlak setting up shop at the Springfield town square, behind a wooden booth he starts his cry.
MOE
Hippie Hammers! Get your Hippie Hammers here! Get 'em while they're hot! The World Corporate Empire is coming to Springfield and you don't want to be without your Hippie Hammer! . . .
Chief Wiggums strides up.
WIGGUM
How much? . . .
END OF ACT ONE