April 18, 2004

Ursula 3000: 11. Joe from the Gap

11. Joe from the Gap

“Hi, Honey!” Joe said, cheerily from the doorway, holding up high two glossy shopping bags, each showing their own big GAP logo. “Guess who went shopping today!”

Ursula’s mom called out, “Hey Joe! You’re just in time for dinner!”

Ursula’s hand flew down to her pocket where she felt her car keys thru the fabric, and it reassured her.

Later, after the movie, they sat in Joe’s car overlooking the park.

She turned to him and asked, “OK, Joe. Now, I know we don’t usually talk about shit like this, but . . . what are your plans for life? After college, I mean?”

He smiled. “Aw, Ursula, you want to know where this relationship is going.”

“No!” she said, maybe a little firmly, too quickly. “No, Joe. I want to know, independent of me, what your . . . dreams are.”

He looked forward out the windshield and seemed to think about it.

After a full minute, he looked back at her. “I think . . . I want to help people.”

“How?” she asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe by becoming a doctor?”

“You never told me that, Joe.” she said.

He looked at her for a minute before bursting out into laughter. “Ha ha ha, Ursula! The way you looked at me just now! I ain’t no freakin’ saint! What I want to do? Take over my father’s business and make a shitload of money! What else would I want to do?”

She felt the blood come to her face fast.

Before she knew it, she was grabbing for her things and her hand was on the door and she was out, storming off into the clear starry nite.

“Ursula!” he called.

He got out of the car and started chasing after her. “Ursula?! Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”

She stopped and turned around to face him.

“Excuse me?”

He came up to her angry.

“I said where the fuck do you think you’re going? That ain’t polite, storming off like that!”

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” she said.
“Ursula?”

“URSULA AIN’T HERE RIGHT NOW!” she yelled, before drawing her foot back and landing it straight into his balls.

“Ow! Fuck!” he said, bending over. “What did you do that for?!”

“I just realized something, Joseph P. Mahooney! You’re a fucking jerk! A real asswad! What did I ever see in you? Ok, you’re good-looking, and I got some fucking hormones! Other than that, pal, you ain’t got shit inside! You’re more barren than a fucking . . . than a fucking . . . oh, I don’t know what! But you suck dog-ass Mister! And don’t ever come my way again, ya hear?”

She turned and started off, and he hobbled after her, slowly.

“Ursula! Is this about those lesbians that came into your cafe today? Did you realize you were a dyke, or what?”

She stopped, then turned slowly back to him. She started back at him.

“Hey, Ursula, don’t try anything, ok?” he said, seeing the look on her face. “I don’t want to hurt a girl, ok?”

Her hand came out of her purse fisted around a roll of quarters she always kept in there.

She left him in an unconscous heap and then drove his car back to her house.

Her parents were already asleep as she hurriedly packed and wrote them a letter:

Dear Mom and Dad,
Words can’t express how much I love you guys or how sad I am about writing you this letter, and what I have to do now.

I can’t thank you enough for everything you did for me as a child. I don’t care what the adoption agency says: you two are my real parents, and always will be.

But I have to leave now, and I can’t explain why. I just need to leave this town and make my way in the world. I can’t be a waitress forever.

I’ll call you when I’m safely settled.

I love you so much,
Ursula

And she was gone.

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