April 07, 2004

Spec Simpsons Script: Lard Country, Act Three

ACT THREE

Lisa is still screaming.


FACE
Shh, Lisa, it's me. [name of guy who she had
a crush on from before, environmentalist],
remember? We're gonna go break into the factory
farm where Lard Country gets all it's meat and
dairy and take video of their cruely to upload
to our website--wanna come?


LISA
You?


We hear a harp and descend into a short montage of her memories of the boy.

BOY
Nice flashback, now are you coming, or what?

She jumps out of bed, dressed entirely in black.

LISA
(explaining black clothes)
I was thinking of doing something subversive
tonight, but I didn't know what.

They both shimmy down pole and she follows him to the corner, where a futuristic hovercraft awaits, bobbing up and down slightly in the air.

LISA
What's that?

BOY
A hovercar which runs on fuel cells. Auto
and oil industries won't sell them here in
America or allow them to be sold or even allow
the news media to talk about them. We built it
offa instructions we downloaded from the internet.
Get in!


She jumps in. The Boy gets behind the wheel, introduces the 2 in the back seat:

BOY
Lisa, this is a Parvati and Emil.

Parvati and Emil both nod and say hello. All 4 are dressed in black.

LISA
Hello, nice to meet you, heh.

BOY
And away we go!


He presses the pedal and with a zoom the hovercar races off.


Int. Rod and Todd's bedroom.
Both are in bed with Ned sitting next to them reading a bedtime story. We see the hovercar exit their window view and the two boys turn to Ned, who also watched it go by.

ROD
Daddy, what was that?

NED
Probably something from the military, son.
They're always testing new gear!

TODD
Is there a military base around here, Dad?


Ned lowers the blinds.

NED
Mysteries are the mark of the Devil!


Int. Simpsons Living Room.
Marge is looking in on Bart and Maggie watching tv.

MARGE
Bart and Maggie are watching tv . . . Lisa is
upstairs asleep . . . Homer is at Moe's.

She goes to the kitchen and pulls down a bottle of wine and a glass, sits at the table and pours herself half a glass.

MARGE
Everything is back to normal.

She takes a sip. Behind her a brown stream erupts through the bottom of the sink.

Int. Ned's
Back at Ned's, Ned closes his book.


NED
And thus the baby Jesus did not cry.

A brown stream erupts through the floor.

TODD
That smells like Ralph.

Int. Sleazy Motel, room 6.
Quimby stands in front of a king-sized bed, shirtless.


QUIMBY
And now, for my impression of Hercules.

He starts to pose when a brown stream erupts through the floor.

QUIMBY
(shaking fist at sky)
Goddamn you, fat people!

Int. Patty and Thelma's.
We see a door and hear a flush. The door opens and there stands Patty, sucking on a freshly lit one. She blows out the smoke slowly, enjoying it.

PATTY
Aaah. For a while there, I was standing on
that one.


The hovercraft is flying. We're in the cockpit with all the lit up dials.


BOY
We've found a big building located not very
far from Lard Country. That's where we're going.
We've come equipped with dv cameras to record
what we can only assume are unbelievably harsh
conditions of factory farming going on there.

The hovercraft whips through the air deftly. An old man from Abe's retirement home is standing on the corner leaning onto his walker as it passes by.

OLD MAN
Oh no, not again. Hopefully this time, they'll
be gentle.

He licks lips loudly.

Int. Cockpit


BOY
But since the building we're targeting for
penetration and video extraction is on the same
compound as Lard Country,it's heavily secured.
So we have to create a diversion.

The hovercar stops abruptly next to Moe's. Emil, in fake moustache, gets out, hurries over to the entrance of Moe's.


Int. Moe's.
Homer, Barney, Carl and Lennie are sitting at the bar. Moe is behind the bar. He is standing in front of something with a tablecloth on it which he whips off in a flourish, revealing a large ceramic donut with a tap on the end.


MOE
Ta-da!

BARNEY
What is it, Moe?

HOMER
Pffft. Big deal. I've seen donuts way bigger
than that at Lard Country.

MOE
This ain't no donut, Homer. This is beer.
Donut beer.


Homer's face goes slack.

HOMER
You mean donuts make beer, too?

The door opens and in comes Emil with the mustache. He has a black jacket on and carries a briefcase. He leans into the place but does not enter fully.

EMIL
Psst. Hey guys.

They turn.

EMIL
I got a tip for ya.

MOE
We're listening.


They lean closer.

EMIL
(in hushed, conspiratorial voice)
I work for Lard Country. I over-ordered the
prime rib for tomorrow so there's a ton just
sitting there inside the gates if you want to
go and pick it up. If any of the guards come,
just tell 'em Ed sent ya.

MOE
Are you Ed?

EMIL
Yes.


Emil slips back out of the bar.

MOE
Well, you heard the man. Let's go get us some
free meat!


Outside the bar we see Emil run back to the hovercraft and the hovercraft slip back into the shadows of the parking lot. Homer, Barney, Moe, Lenny and Carl all run out.


CARL
Oh boy, this is gonna be good.

HOMER
Whoo-hoo!


They all pile into a car.

Ext. Lard Country
The car carrying the men drives up to the gates with the hovercraft following at a distance behind, keeping out of sight. The place looks locked and dark.


LENNY
I don't know about this, are you sure we're
supposed to go in there.

Homer gets out.

HOMER
You heard the man. He said 'climb the fence'
and tell 'em Ed sent ya!

He starts to climb the fence, gets to the top, jumps over

HOMER
(extending hands out to his sides)
See?

At that moment all of the alarms and lights go off. Two dobermans jump at Homer from each side and drag him down.

HOMER
D'oh!

Int. Cockpit.
The assembled crew watch as Homer gets mauled.


BOY
What an idiot. Good job, Emil!

Lisa blushes.

The hovercraft flies over the fence and heads to the Big Building.


BOY
OK, get your cameras ready!

Ext. Back at the gates.


Carl
Well what do we do now? We can't just leave
him there?

MOE
And we can't exactly go over there, either.
Not with the dobermans there.

LENNY
Well, we can watch.

MOE
Yea, we can do that. Anyone bring any snacks?


Homer being pulled by dobermans.

HOMER
Stop! Ed sent me!!! I'm with Ed!!!


Ext. Grassy Knoll
The hovercraft lands on a grassy knoll and all four jump out and make their way across the grass to the Big Building.

BOY
OK, guys, get ready for some serious animal
cruelty here.

He uses a set of big clippers to break off the lock and they all file in.

Int. Big Building
It is dark. We see them inside-barely.


PARVATI
Do you guys hear . . . snoring?

All of a sudden the lights go on and they find instead of a bunch of animals pressed closely together, only one creature: a human. A giant human. With his head--wider than all of them standing together--leaning down and pointed towards them. They all scream.

GIANT
(puts forefinger to mouth)
Shhhhhh.


They all stop yelling.

GIANT
(whispering)
You don't want to wake up the guards.

BOY
What . . . are you?

GIANT
Expecting a factory farm, were you? You
remind me of myself, when I was younger.


Ext. University Grounds - Day
We see a huddle of lab coats, but only their backs.

GIANT OFFSCREEN
As a young whiz kid, I put the wonder into
wunderkind.

The lab coats part to see one much younger male also in a lab coat wrestling with an oversized atom.

VOICE
Three dollars on the atom!

VOICE
Ten dollars on the kid!


Money exchanges hands. The kid wrestles the giant atom to the ground and half the crowd cheers.

GIANT OFFSCREEN
Even then, I had a knack for making things
bigger. . . . but my real mission in life, was
to feed the world.

Montage of the kid on the lab coat in different exotic locales of the world, taking samples of things: bamboo, seaweed, old tires.

GIANT OFFSCREEN
I wanted to find the perfect base substance,
from which I could then run through my Meatalizer
to produce fake meat products, which would be
virtually indistinguishable from the real thing.

. . . for ten long years, my efforts came to no
avail. Until one nite, I took a friend’s dose of
psychedelics in frustration . . .


He is walking through a park amidst all the groovy colors. He begins laughing hysterically, then falls down on the grass. When he wakes, he sees: dog waste.

GIANT OFFSCREEN
On a hunch, I put a sample into my baggie and
ran tests . . . and it worked!

We see the testing kitchen. Several hungry students piled around a table are given a fresh plate of hot dogs. They dig in and give their enthusiastic assent, thumbs up!

GIANT OFFSCREEN
It needed a little tweaking, of course.
Human waste provided much better substance
than dog waste, and vegan human waste provided
the best substance of all.

. . . but where would I get so much substance?
When I ran the local sewer system through the
Meatalizer, it didn’t work--something wasn’t
right. So I, myself had to provide the waste--only
it wasn’t enough. Thus, I combined my previous
love of supersizing organisms with my lifelong
desire to feed the world, added in my Meatalizer
and latest discovery, and voila!


Back to present, the Giant shifts in his seat to show what he is sitting on: a giant toilet lid, now down.

GIANT
I, of course, am a vegan by choice--I eat
copious amounts of vegan food, put the results
into the Meatalizer, and there we go: enough
fake meat to feed all of Springfield! Of course,
Lard Country was an added stroke of genius
thought up by my old friend J.T., who use to
run a mid-sized circus.

LISA
But . . . but . . . but . . . that’s disgusting!

GIANT
But think about it, little girl, would you
rather all those animals be killed?


The four look at each other.

GIANT
The good news is, I have been able to tweak
the Meatalizer enough to now access your local
sewer system for substance--thereby relieving,
ahem, your overburdened sewer system, and
allowing me, Lard Countryís main engine, to
move on to the next Lard Country, opening next
week in another state! Since your town isn’t
vegan, the result won’t taste as good, but with
enough sauce added on . . .

So animal lovers--can you keep a secret?


The four look at each other again.

Int. Simpsons Dining Room - Nite
The whole family is assembled. Marge is dishing out the pot roast.


MARGE
Well, I’m glad that ickity problem has been
cleaned up, that was disgusting!

HOMER
I knew the city would come through! If they
didn’t pander to us fat people, this city would be
empty!

MARGE
And Lard Country now provides all of Springfield's
meat--so everything worked out!

BART
More pot roast please, ma’am! Don’t know
what you’re missing, Lis! This barbecued
animal corpse tonite is extra-delish!


She watches them eat. We pop into her head and see the head of a cute little lamb smiling at her.

LAMB
Thaaank yooou, Liiisa.


LISA
Heh.


THE END.


Posted by drmenlo at April 7, 2004 09:18 AM
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