[For fun, here is the first act to my spec Simpsons script LARD COUNTRY. The second act I'll put on on Wednesday, and the third and final act on Friday. Like the rest of the content so far here on gimmicky.org, this is a rough first draft.]
INT. Simpsons master bedroom - Nite
Homer tosses and turns in bed. Drool starts to ooze from the sides of his mouth. He says, "Mmmmm," and we pop into his head.
Homer is walking along a road atop a hill going "La-la-la-la" when suddenly a cloud in front of him balls itself into a doughboy shape and points to him, "Hello, Homer!"
DOUGHBOY
I am here to give you good news. Soon, very soon, your town will be gifted with the most beautiful present.
HOMER
Donuts?
DOUGHBOY
Greater!
HOMER
Greater than donuts? Lotsa donuts?
DOUGHBOY
Lotsa lotsa donuts!!
Homer starts drooling and faints to the ground.
Marge is shaking him.
The drool has nearly reached the bed. Outside, in the hallway, Maggie floats by, manically doing the doggie paddle.
Kitchen - morning
Homer sits at the table while Marge busies herself at the counter. There is still wetness dripping down cabinets, pooling on surfaces.
HOMER
I don't know . . . donuts? Mm, donuts . . .
His head lolls back and he starts to do it again when she slaps him across the face with a mackeral.
MARGE
It came with this month's Good Housekeeping.
She puts it back into a container mounted on the wall.
Enter Lisa.
MARGE
It's bedroom dew, dear. It's that time of year.
BART
We haven't seen Dad drool like that since they opened up the Baking Grease Discount Store.
HOMER
Mm, baking grease . . .
His head lolls back again. Bap! goes the mackeral.
Closeup of Good Housekeeping cover: "How To Control Your Man in 5 Easy Steps! Now with Added Mackeral!"
Sidewalk - Day
Bart is walking down the street when Milhouse catches up to him.
BART
Nah, I got a funny feeling something more interesting is going to happen.
MILHOUSE
Like what?
BART
I don't know. But I'm guessing stampede.
And this point the ground rumbles and a horde of people rush by. Camera pans up to the branches of a tree and there hang Bart and Milhouse.
We follow the hordes and they cross over a hill and there, bequeathed by a ray of super-sunshine: the gates with a sign over them reading, LARD COUNTRY.
A man in a beige suit and cowboy hat with a big belly standing in front of the gates takes up the microphone:
One citizen turns to the other.
A roar goes up.
The crowd cheers.
J.T.
What is it? What is it? I'll tell you what it is: an amusement park for those who like to eat! Enjoy!!!
MOE
(to himself)
Ah great, an amusement park for fat people, there goes my business.
J.T. stands aside and the gates open and the cheering crowd goes in.
One person stands in front of a mirror which makes him fatter, he turns and admires himself, then goes to a vendor standing nearby selling hot dogs: "2 please!"
On the ferris wheel, the cars stop at a vendor on a crane.
In front of a ride is the sign (with wooden scale): “You must be this wide to ride.” In the sea of lard, people swim around with snorkels, get chased by giant donuts. And everywhere, people eat. An incredible, giant orgy of gastric consumption.
A man stops at a building advertising the film: "Why Fat People are Smarter!" He goes in. Comes back out, goes to hot dog vendor: "2, please!"
Homer's workplace - day.
Homer is sleeping at work with his feet up. He snaps to. Sniffs the air.
He follows his nose to the cafeteria. As he's looking around, he eats all the donuts there.
He leaves building. Follows nose, arms outstretched like a mummy. Comes to the top of a hill and sees a long distance down there to the town, runs back to his car. Drives car with his head sticking out.
Int. Simpsons basement.
Marge in on her hands and knees scrubbing the remnants of the drool from the floor, wringing her sponge into her bucket. Her eyes rest on: a drain in the middle of the concrete floor, where, as she looks, a stream of drool escapes to.
Int. Sewer Underground.
A mutant is at a podium.
He bangs gavel. There is a roar and they all look up as a shower descends. They all open their dry mouths hungrily.
Homer is driving, comes up to Lard Country. His eyes widen.
He jumps out of the car as it's still moving, not having time to park, and runs to the gates. We hear the crash of his car and a cat's ywroar. He runs up to the ticket counter.
He has his ticket ripped, gets his map, and runs up to the large standing map, jogging in place.
He runs over, under the Atkins Ride sign and onto a conveyor belt. There on the conveyor belt running adjacent at stomach level, plates are set down with bacon, steak, cheese, pork rinds, etc. He gobbles them all up and gets off the conveyor belt at ride's end, pats his stomach:
INT. Homer's Office - Day
Burns is walking by Homer's office and stops. No Homer.
SMITHERS
I don't know, sir. But maybe if I ran you a nice hot bath and massaged your back you would feel a lot better about his absence.
BURNS
(after a pause)
No thanks.
Ext. Lard Country
The loudspeakers on poles quiver.
Homer shrieks. Starts eating faster. Above him is the banner: WWII Simulation: Eat Your Way to Victory!
Homer is one of several eating a breaded replica of an SS tank.
Bite, bite, bite.
Ext. Lard Country Exits
A line forms.
A couple engineers hurry out, each takes one end of the metal posts through which you exit and push down the bar and pulls. The metal posts are expanded. The people can now exit. The engineers hurry off.
Comic Book Guy exits the theatre with the marquee: “Why Fat People are Smarter!”
He puts a monocle on.
Damn, that is a pretty funny start!! Best of luck getting the career jump started!!
Posted by: Dave! at April 6, 2004 07:29 AMThis is really good, I actually laughed out loud a few times. Funnier than any reason episodes I've seen :)
Posted by: Tom at April 6, 2004 07:57 AMrecent... *hits self with mackerel*
Posted by: Tom at April 6, 2004 08:03 AMBest. Script. Ever. :)
I am actually sitting at my desk at work, trying not to LOL. I think you'll make it, Doc!
Posted by: George at April 6, 2004 09:01 AMRefreshing! I'll definitely be keeping an eye on future posts from you.
Posted by: Stephen VanDyke at April 6, 2004 09:06 AMgood times for all. i think you shall do well, little one.
Posted by: Diya at April 6, 2004 09:58 AMif you're planning on "making it" writing crappy simpsons fan-fiction, you should just kill yourself now.
Try writing something original.
Posted by: hmm at April 6, 2004 10:35 AMUh. "Salivia"?
Posted by: Friendly Neighborhood Spelling Man at April 6, 2004 10:51 AMLose the gratuitous shot of the Good Housekeeping, and that is at least as funny as the script for an upcoming episode I'm holding in my hand right now.
Have to ask, though -- where's the conflict? So far, Homer's just having a good time. You need to set up a conflict before the first act closes. Mister Burns noticing his absence isn't nearly enough.
GOod luck.
Posted by: aguy at April 6, 2004 01:31 PMThe drain/mutants scene doesn't work.
Aside from that, this pretty much meets the quality of most Simpson's episodes.
Posted by: Sundance at April 6, 2004 05:40 PMAre you sure you want it to be a "microphone" when it's actually making noise? Don't you mean a "loudspeaker?"
Also, Smithers is rarely that desperate. Seems a bit much. Maybe go for Burns' cruelty or a good "Excellent" here instead. :-)
Posted by: Josh Lewis! at April 6, 2004 06:37 PMAh! That is most excellent. I laughed out loud multiple times.....definately WAY better than any recent episodes. And as said above...maybe tone down the smithers thing. Seems a bit much. But other than that it's great!
Posted by: chad at April 6, 2004 10:14 PMThe drool flood doesn't work. A lot of wacky things happen on "The Simpsons", but they rarely violate physical laws (by that wide a margin anyway), and it would be physically impossible for one man to produce that quantity of drool. Tone it down to a soaked pillow or sheet. Save the mutant scene for your "Futurama" script. The Lard Country material is very good, and rings true, though the name "Lard Country" itself isn't especially funny or clever
Posted by: Bender at April 6, 2004 10:56 PMBender,
" . . . they rarely violate physical laws".
Please . . . I suppose you believe in the Easter Bunny too.
Posted by: fausto at April 6, 2004 11:38 PMI have to agree with some of the above posters that the drool/mutant scenes need to go, and the burns-smithers scene rewritten. But the rest is gold. I'm probably not the first to notice that the beginning of most Simpsons episodes begins with a family adventure of some sort that has *Nothing* to do with the rest of the plot. Only after the first little beginning plot scene is over do they start the actual plotline for the show. I think "Lard Country" would be a great opening gag-fest, but not a real part of the episode's major happenings. You may have already had this plan, because I don't think you would tie the Lard Country scene in with the plot. Great overall, good luck with your career. You may be threatening suicide, but then again getting an actual writing gig in LA is suicide for some people.
Posted by: Joshua Robertson at April 7, 2004 08:47 AMi enjoyed it, although i have to agree that some of your idea were over the top but hey, so is the show at times. i say keep it up and if you cant get a writing job you may as well write a book because from what i can see, you can come up with a pretty humorous twist on an already good story. i liked the whole stampede thing, out of nowhere, that captures famously one of the show's quirks. i say keep going with this, dont quit, dont kill yourself, and dont take no for an answer. one thing though, i have to agree with "hmm" on the part about writing something completely original. ive done it myself a few times, and i know its really hard to come up with good characters and plots the audience can relate to and can come to love or hate. keep on trucking man.
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